Greetings again, my disciples! (I really need to come up with a term for my fans. I should probably poll both of my readers, and see what she and I think.) It’s that completely arbitrary time again; where I, Gideon U. Eklund, come down from on high to delight and entertain you all with the words from my brain, placed out onto this page, hopefully in an arrangement that is both pleasing and intelligible. This is going to be a long post, kiddos; but it’s long because we’re diving deep on today’s subject.
Let’s open with the obvious: I love words. They are powerful things. For example, if I were to type out the following:
“A Bicycle Made Out Of Big Black Cocks.”
…You have just, even briefly, pictured a bicycle made out of big, black cocks. Some of you are still thinking about it. Some of you are thinking, “Ooh! Cocks!” Others may be thinking, “I don’t want to think about that—but there it is,” and even more of you are thinking, “I don’t understand how the mechanics of this proposed cock bicycle would work. Are the pedals cocks, too? If they are, do they have to be erect to work the bicycle? If so, has someone performed taxidermy on these cocks to keep them that way? These are cocks independent of a human host, correct? As such, they would need external assistance with staying erect, would they not? And when you say ‘big,’ how big are we talking? What exactly are the dimensions of this taxidermy-centric cock bicycle you speak of? Are the wheels just big round sausage links of connected cocks, or perhaps a solid segment? A core sample of one abnormally large cock, if you will?”
Way to weird up my cock bicycle imagery with your engineering questions, nerd. But seriously; you guys really need to stop thinking about this. Stop thinking about a big, smelly, meaty bicycle made out of big black cocks for a while.
…You’re doing it again, aren’t you? Didn’t think about how smelly it would be, either, until just now, when I mentioned it, right? Right. Now you’re thinking about THAT. Is it musky? Who knows. I’ll now free you from your cock bicycle mind prison by changing the subject.
Author’s Note: This is the most I’ve ever written about penises as alternate, Eco-friendly forms of transportation in my entire life. Probably for the last time… But I promise nothing.
The title of this post may have some of you wondering, “I thought this was a post about greed, and being tricked, wasn’t it, Gideon?” Believe me, it is. I’m getting there.
See, words are a powerful thing, as I have just demonstrated. Think about a fluffy black kitten now, as a respite from my opening part of this post. While you’re picturing a fluffy black kitten, (who now has a piece of neon pink string she loves and is named ‘Cool Whip,’) I’d like to talk to you about why it’s important not to let words control you.
We live in an age where everyone is linked in, (we even have an app by the same name.) Everything is information, data, discussion, explanation, coercion, complaining, preaching, pleading, and in some cases, bared souls. It is everywhere, and it is overwhelming. We communicate this biblical flood of data through words and images, flying at you from so many sources, it’s hard to know when someone is trying to sway you legitimately, or trick you outright for their own ends.
On top of all that aforementioned garbage we are bombarded with on an almost unbearable combination of fronts, there is a bigger element at work…
…Greed.
(See? I told you I’d circle back around to it. Don’t be such a doubter.)
Everyone is greedy about something. I know that a greed lecture is going to sound hypocritical coming from me, especially since my last post was about narcissism; where I tried to turn “Look Out For Number One” into a positive message. However, I never told anyone to look out for number one at the suffering of someone else.
Author’s Note: No, I haven’t magically developed more empathy; I’m still an emotionally stunted man-child, but hurting others never makes someone look good, and I’m all about trying to look good. (LOVE ME, DAMN IT!)
I realize that this post is getting more off-track than Thomas the Tank Engine on an Absinthe bender in Twisty Town, but stick with me, gang. Let’s focus this on the most obvious target: Advertisements.
For every piece of information and opinion being spread out there, there’s approximately a trillion—give or take a few—different commercials that may be slapped onto to it. Businesses need your money to survive, after all, and since we’re all on this Lovecraftian behemoth known as the internet most of the time, that’s where the ads are going to be pointed. It’s not evil, it’s just good, common sense.
…And sometimes I fucking loathe it.
Specifically, I don’t hate advertisements as an idea. Hell, this blog exists to advertise me, a person, and the stuff which I do. But some ads either don’t think, (Any ad that tries to make you believe that you should take the advice of a cartoon bear about how to wipe your butt,) some ads are simply nonsense disguised as deep, (I’m looking at you, Matthew McConaughey, and your SUV’s,) and some are phrased in just the right way to be manipulative pieces of shit. (Example forthcoming.)
When I catch the latter kinds of ads in the act, they make me extra angry. They insult our intelligence, while simultaneously duping the people who didn’t catch on. They make me feel like they are deliberately taking advantage of uninformed, (or outright stupid) people, and I want to run down the street like Charlton Heston, trying to warn the world around me that Soylent Green is people, and you probably shouldn’t eat the Soylent Company’s tasty green wafers. (But seriously—those things are so good.)
As an example, I’m going to pick apart an ad campaign that bothers me in particular at the moment: the Pima Medical Institute.
At the time of this writing, their ads are a series of very average people in very average positions, who stare directly into the camera, as it slowly zooms in on them, and they discuss all the ways that you need to act on this internal debate they presume you are having: whether or not to attend the Pima Medical Institute and learn the thing you are clearly, desperately wanting to learn. (I’ll bet you didn’t even realize you were having this internal debate, huh? Well, according to Pima, you are.) Then, for some reason, the person staring at you stops moving their mouths, and their voice keeps talking for a bit.
It’s weird, but not if you break it down. If you really look at it for what it is, it’s manipulation. Here’s a more specific description of one of the ads, as an example:
The ad shows a woman working in the kitchen of what looks like a fairly nice restaurant. She’s a little, brown-haired white woman in a cook’s outfit, who stares directly into the camera and says,
“You like helping people.” She gestures to the kitchen area. “It’s part of all this. It’s comfortable. But, is your heart in it? Does it have to be in it? You think doing something you want is reserved for other people in easier situations? Listen; I’m not saying it’s not hard. It’s going to be hard.” Then her mouth stops, and her voice says, “…But when has ‘hard’ ever stopped you from getting what you really want?” On the screen, the words, ‘YOU CAN GET THERE FROM HERE.’ appear in big block letters, in all caps. Then it shows the Pima logo, and a narrator says, “Stop thinking about it, and start doing it. Get ready for a new career in healthcare at PMI.edu.”
If this link works, I believe you can watch the ad here:
https://www.ispot.tv/ad/Io1w/pima-medical-institute-helping-people
Boom. Here’s the bottom line: Pima needs students. It’s how they make money, and they will do anything they can to put butts in seats; including trying to make you believe that you want a medical career, when you probably didn’t before the ad started.
It’s Cool Whip the Kitty; remember her? You know what she looks like, and that she loves string. You even know the color of string she likes, and she’s not actually real. It’s the power of words, and the power of suggestion, fused into a crazy commercial for sort-of medical school. Let’s break the ad down one more time:
“You like helping people.” …Do you? Did you even think you liked helping people before she brought it up? I don’t like helping people unless it does something for me in return; even if that thing is just to make someone like me a little more. Maybe my narcissism helps me to deflect this opening salvo, but nonetheless, it’s already telling you that you want to help others, and implanting that suggestion in your head.
“It’s part of all this. It’s comfortable.” In other words, whatever day job your brain inserts into this kitchen stand-in for you is part of what makes you such an altruistic person. But, you’ve been there long enough that you’ve gotten comfortable. (How dare you, you cad!) So, you’re also a little lazy because you’re staying put instead of taking a risk and attending Pima Medical Institute.
In three statements, the ad has been constructed to paint you as a good person, who is a little lazy if they don’t rack up crippling student debt attending sort-of medical school to become a vague nurse of some sort.
…Three statements.
“But, is your heart in it? Does it have to be in it?” This part is clever. “Why?” asks someone who’s asking a lot of questions in this post. Quite simple: most people are generally not where they want to be in life. So, if you’re working at some job that you don’t feel 100% about, asking this question makes the ad suddenly seem very perceptive; as if it knows the inner you. Which means it’s probably right that you want to go to sort-of medical school too, right? (Except for the part where you don’t.)
“You think doing something you want is reserved for other people in easier situations?” See? This is something you already want, according to the ad. It immediately pits you against your own nonexistent apathy, and imaginary people who are better off than you. But you’ll show them! Once you go to Pima, you will finally show up those people who only exist in your head, but somehow have it easier than you in life. You’re the underdog! The ad understands that you, (unlike some imaginary rivals,) have a hard life. Yes, you specifically, and not literally everyone this ad is speaking to.
“Listen; I’m not saying it’s not hard. It’s going to be hard.” She already knows your first excuse: It’s hard. By pointing this out, you can’t really use it now, can you? Come up with a better excuse to avoid accruing massive debt to attend a sort-of medical school you never wanted to go to before you started watching this ad, you lazy fucking altruist who is doing nothing with their lives but work a steady job in the food industry, or something! Seriously, you’re like some sort of peasant! Don’t whine! Get to sort-of medical school!
” …But when has ‘hard’ ever stopped you from getting what you really want?” I don’t know about you, but ‘hard’ has stopped me plenty of goddamned times. Hell, sometimes I’ve quit easy things because I had other stuff I wanted to do, so this ad is getting pretty presumptuous at this point. Now, I have no idea why her mouth doesn’t move here. I’m sure there’s some lofty advertising psychology behind it, but to me, it’s just pointlessness confused for dramatic effect. (We’re back in Matthew McConaughey territory for a second.) The phrase “YOU CAN GET THERE FROM HERE” shows up to reinforce that, wherever you are, or how good/bad it is, it’s just some shitty starting point, and you need to move up in the world!
Now, not only are you the underdog, but you’re not going to let that one flimsy excuse we just talked about stop you, right? Of course not! YOU want to go to sort-of medical school, and nothing—not imaginary people better off than you, or bullshit excuses you haven’t made yet—is going to stop you. (Again, except for the part where you don’t actually want to go to sort-of medical school.)
So now that I’ve helpfully broken down that ad for you, you can see how a nine-or-ten-sentence commercial, when worded the right way, can be a very powerful tool for manipulation. Another good example are commercials for movies. On the flip side, knowing these tricks actually helps me avoid shitty movies, so I’m going to share them with you. Some examples of movie ad phrases you’ll frequently hear, and what they should tell you are:
Anytime a movie compares itself to another movie, or pokes fun at a better film, you know you’re in for a shit show. For example, when Avengers: Endgame was coming out, so was the Hellboy reboot nobody wanted. Many of the ads for Hellboy had the line “Avenge THIS,” in them. Yeah, I know. Shitty Hellboy reboot tried to take on a film from one of the most successful franchises ever, (with a year of build-up since Infinity War, to boot,) as if to say, “Avengers? Nah. Those guys are lame. FUCKING HELLBOY IS WHERE IT’S GOING TO BE AT THIS SUMMER!”
Author’s Note: “Hellboy” was not where it was at this summer- not even close to where ‘it’ was scheduled to be. Heck, “Hellboy” wasn’t even invited to where ‘it’ was going to be hanging out with its friends before going to where ‘it’ was actually going to be later. Everyone was at “Avengers: Endgame.” Thanks for reminding us it was coming, Hellboy, and to avoid your dumpster fire of a film. You’re a hero, but not in the way you wanted to be.
“The #1 _______ of the year/summer/Memorial Day Weekend/etc.” This is the sentence to watch out for. If the blank in that sentence is ‘movie,’ then you’re okay. It has numbers to back up its popularity, and a movie’s popularity is typically indicative of how good it is, personal tastes notwithstanding. However, if that blank has anything else in it, you need to look harder. “The #1 romantic comedy of the year,” is a very specific phrase, when you look at it; are there other romantic comedies out right now? Is it only February, and no other romantic comedies have been made yet? Then they’re telling you it’s #1 for a completely different reason than ‘it’s so good,’ and that reason is probably, ‘if we get you to believe it’s #1 for any reason, maybe you’ll come see our garbage film.’
Remember: “#1 movie” is a safe phrase, safer the further into the year we are. “#1 anything else,” means you should read the fine print. Which brings me to the last example I’m going to give you:
Any time a snippit of a ‘review’ has an ellipses in it, you are not getting the entire sentiment. This can happen a lot. You’ll see some ad for CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 3, (Which I believe came out five times last year?) and the ad will say, “Critics are calling CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 3…” and you’ll be bombarded with words on the screen saying “…Exciting!” and “…Better than CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 2!” or “…A film to bring the kids to…” with little sub-headers showing you which reviewer said which thing, and which media outlet they work for. Y’know… for added legitimacy.
Author’s Note: If a movie commercial just has some random web handle as a reviewer’s name, they couldn’t get good reviews from a legitimate source. Run away. Light it on fire, hand it to Hellboy, and run away.
What you’re missing by those ellipses are the rest of the sentence. The first guy’s review of “…Exciting!” could very easily have been, “I wanted to like this movie, but it was boring even during the parts where it was supposed to be exciting!”
The second review of “…Better than CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 2!” may actually read in their article as, “I hate this franchise. This newest entry isn’t any better than CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 2!“
…And, of course, with the double ellipses at the beginning and end of it, the review of “…A film to bring the kids to…” can very easily be yanked from the middle of the sentence, “I thought this movie would be a film to bring the kids to, but CGI Animals Make Pop Reference Jokes With Animal Puns In Them 3 has a surprising amount of dick jokes and full-frontal nudity in it. My wife loved it, though, despite her massive brain damage from the accident.”
Believe it or not, that sort of thing is not only common, it is all perfectly legal to do. This is another reason why words are powerful things—they can be twisted and edited from their original intention or sentiment, to make you feel something some dickbag you’ve never met wants you to believe instead, just to perpetuate their own selfish agendas.
Why? Because greed, sadly, is what makes the world go ’round these days. Those rich people who are greedy, (no, not all of them are,) want to continue to amass wealth, and they will use cleverly worded phrases, commercials, and key snippits of ‘supporting argument’ against you to do it. It’s all very calculated, and very deceptive.
I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that, in a world full of information being rammed down your throat everywhere you turn, you have to filter it. There’s a lot of it. Don’t let it overwhelm you. Pick it apart. Look at it for what it is. Not every ad or article is a sinister mind-twisting villain, but a lot of them are, and with the sheer volume of them out there being thrown in front of your eyes, don’t be afraid to tell the emperor that his new clothes are not real, and you can see his wrinkly, grey-haired, old man’s ball sack.
See? Now you’re thinking about a naked old man. Keep your eyes open, and your head on a swivel out there, kiddos! Gideon U. Eklund is looking out for you as best he can, with his limited resources. And now he’s the underdog. Suck it, Pima!
Cool Whip the Kitty rides her dick bicycle to her classes at sort-of medical school every day, like a good movie-going girl.